He is 10 but beda agama — A Contemplation


I have vivid memories and how I felt for my first love. It felt like speaking a new language and was the most ecstatic feeling—I still cannot get over it. 

Dès que je l'ai vu, je suis tombée amoureuse de lui ! Bref, first love at first sight.

He is a typical handsome guy (in my opinion & my eyes hehehe) — he's smart, he has a pointed nose, a white skin, small black eyes and he is a multi talented person. Too good to be true.

Back then, I was 13 years old and a petite girl ('till now still).

Ma mere m'a dit,"He is Chinese, right? Do you know that falling in love for the first time is puppy love, the fairy tales love."

That means fairy tales don't exist.

Mon père m'a confirmé,"Just focus on your study. No love, no dating until you get into a top university."

I just smile wryly, I'm not dating him anyway. Maybe not yet, I guess.

They both just laughed at me at that time because I showed a photo of what I call "my first love" hehehe. I think that they underestimate "my first love" because he's the typical Chinese guy we usually see in our neighborhood or at the famous Chinese school in this small city. They thought that because he's Chinese, then we are so different in every way, especially religion. We have a huge different view. That's a big problem for me who is a Muslim girl.

It's called labeling. The major issues. As humans, we are divided into various categories and identities, from gender, race, ethnicity, citizenship, to religion. So maybe am I sinning if I like him or in a relationship with him? I think it doesn't matter, because we are just human beings. So I decided to keep this feeling. After all, isn't God one, it's just that we are different, right?

I remember one of the verses in the Holy Qur'an about tolerance and its very deep meaning.

“O humanity! Indeed, We created you from a male and a female, and made you into peoples and tribes so that you may get to know one another. Surely the most noble of you in the sight of Allah is the most righteous among you. Allah is truly All-Knowing, All-Aware.” (Q.S. Al Hujurat-13)

Perhaps the holy book of his religion also mentions a verse about tolerance. For me, in life there will always be differences, but also there will be harmony in diversity. 

I had set my eyes on him the first time when I saw his performance with the boys group. Can’t take my eyes off of him, he would be like heaven to touch. I was floored with his soft looks and calm voice. His amazing visuals and ethereal personality resemble a spring flower. Melted.

I began to deep dive into his charm and began to find out everything about him. From his social media, the things he likes – favorite food, the music he likes, the colors he loves, the sports he prefers, the instruments he adores. The more I write down his list of things he likes, the more I like him. I took a deep dive into him. What makes me admire him is that he also has a sincere heart and high empathy, because he also often participates in social activities such as volunteering and charity. He is a boyfriend material. He is 10/10. He is 10 but ... .

I make him one of the role models that I want to follow in this life because I get energized by his presence. Positive vibes. I want to achieve like him, sparkle like a diamond. Sometimes when I have a bad day, then I'm in a good mood just by watching or listening to him. He made my hardest day so much more bearable. He gave me the zest to live and survive this far.

He once said,"If you are sad, remember my smile and call my name, I will come into a room right in your heart.”


This September to remember. I met him again for the first time after two years due to a pandemic. He is now an adult and charismatic.  I still have that feeling to this day. What a wonderful first love. 

I saw him only for a few hours. He is very passionate about singing and dancing. I am very entertained by his presence and this longing can be overcome.  I will cherish this moment forever.

At the closing ment, he said, "Please wait for me. I can confirm that I will come here again. We will have a lot of time in the future. So don't worry. Just study diligently, dating is okay too, but wait, do you have a boyfriend?"

I want to answer screaming loudly, "Yes, of course I have a boyfriend! Hey c'mon you are my boyfriend!"

But in fact I froze because the louder I scream, the less that you heard. I realized one thing. This is one-sided love. No matter how much I love him, sadly he can't be mine. I just stood still, light stick hanging on my wrist, then heard a song that relates to my situation.

'Cause I was the groupie and he was the star

I knew all his stories, I knew them by heart

And I was the fangirl at the front of the show

Pointin' the spotlight that he didn't know

'Cause he didn't know me, yeah, he didn't try

'Cause once you've got a groupie

You got 'em for life


Yeah he is an idol, Korean Idol, he is my first love—my bias. I’m lowkey addicted to K-Pop (kidding lol). His name starts with Lee and ends in Donghae. He is Lee Donghae from Super Junior and I met him recently at Super Show 9 in Jakarta and I deep dive into sapphire blue ocean :’)  After that I had post concert syndrome—a condition when the sudden, overwhelming, and rapid downward crash, characterized by a feeling of recurring emptiness, disappointment, longing, and heartache, after a very long-awaited fulfilling high moment.

No… I’m okay, I can deal with it. Yeah I’m fine, I’m okay, I saw my kpop boyfie in flesh and I’m cool with it. Life is going on and my love for him never ends. 

“If the multiverse theory is true, I hope in some other universe we can be together” 😊

I just want to thank you for coming into my life. Thank you Lee Donghae for making my life so bright and colorful 😊 I hope you at least know that I exist in this universe. Manifesting there will be fan event in Jakarta in 2023, so I can join and get the benefits (sign album/poster, hand shake, or face to face so I can talk directly to him). Cause you’ve got me for life~

I adore you because the entire universe conspired to help me find you—Paulo Coelho 

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2 komentar

  1. "Cause once you've got a groupie, you got 'em for life." Of course.


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